Home Culture Satire Red River District Rebrands as a Controlled Prostitution Area

Red River District Rebrands as a Controlled Prostitution Area

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The Red River District Committee met this week to accept and pass a new ordinance to designate the Red River District as Louisiana’s first legal area for prostitution. The area has been struggling to entertain business owners to reinvest in the abandoned section located in downtown Shreveport.

“I see this as an ideal location,” stated Downtown Devotion Assistants Executive Director Lizzy McSwizzy. “It’s under a bridge and near the casinos, with plenty of foot traffic.”

The businesses currently occupying the area, Nicky’s Mexican Restaurant, Fatty Arbuckle’s, and CoHabitat, say that they will benefit from the new zoning designation.

“We see these working professionals as entrepreneurs, who could benefit from some of the services provided by CoHabitat,” said Executive Director Tom Handly. “The entrepreneurs who work at our building are very excited about this development.”

One such entrepreneur is Bob Taudet. “I see this as a golden opportunity to unveil my latest startup app,” said Taudet. Called TrykLyst, the application, available on both Apple and Android phones, allows sex-industry professionals to keep track of their clients, offer group discounts, and connect to other professionals.

Start-up entrepreneurs and app developers aren’t the only ones who see this as a golden opportunity. Fatty Arbuckle’s owner Phase Toytim has purchased the space next to his bar to open a clothing store tailored to the registered prostitutes. This retail space, FURR Topless, will sell fine clothing from brands such as Affliction, Ed Hardy, and everything rhinestone encrusted, which is sure to expose female moneymaking regions. “These women and gentlemen need threads that cater to their target audience – casino goers,” explained Toytim.

For those who are worried about the professional women and men straying from the designated area, they should know that precautions have been made to ensure the containment of the sex-industry professionals.

“We have doubled the amount of Shreveport police in the District and we have ordered enough segways to make sure that there is one for each officer,” said McSwizzy, adding, “An added bonus is that the sex-industry professionals will not entertain offers from the police because they look like absolute idiots on those things.”

Tax revenue from the Red River District businesses, including the sex-industry, will be used to erect a 400-foot in diameter Ferris Wheel on the riverfront.

“The top city officials just came back from a trip to London in order to investigate how to create a thriving city center,” says City Councilman Neff Iverson. “The main thing that we took from that experience, which we would like to implement in our own city, is that freakin’ awesome Ferris Wheel!” Notably 6-feet larger than the “London Eye,” Shreveport’s version will be decorated with fluorescent red tubing, a nod to the Texas Street Bridge which is above the Red River District. “Our plan is to install the lighting and then when it eventually goes out, we plan to do absolutely nothing about it,” specifies Iverson.

-Dingle McDouglas

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